How can we (I) be dedicated when we're afraid?
Publishing journey begun, a contract signed, navigating how I dedicate myself when I'm afraid.
Dear friends,
Outwardly I am navigating things well. I have signed a publishing contract. My house is still standing. My children are well. I have full and busy classes at my farm-home. The sun is shining and the weather is warm.
But.
I have a niggling worry that is sometimes a rising fear that I dont know how to do this …
‘This’ = living a gentle, wise, whole hearted life path that helps my energy flourish (instead of diminish) AND also ‘This’ = dedicating myself to completing my book (outwardly you’d think this is easy as I have an editor and a publisher)
You might think I already live a gentle, wholehearted life. I do, after all, live in Nicaragua in the countryside and live a path-less-trodden kind of life.
But. I brought all the way to Nicaragua all my busy-busy-rush-push-push ways of getting things done that I learnt elsewhere along the way.
It’s really hard learning to get things done a different way.
My ego (or something) whispers persistently I must make more money, offer more things etc. My soul (or something that is definitely a kinder more enriching voice) lets me know when I’m off track and whispers just as insistently as my ego that there’s another way.
Do you feel like that sometimes? I know you do - you, or another reader - I know so because I’ve been in conversation about how life gets so busy we are squeezed for time to do what fills us up with a few of you. This conversation - this topic - feels important.
Today just as I was thinking I needed to make lunch but really didn’t want to because I just can’t be bothered to cook, I heard a voice. A real voice. It was my neighbour Martin.
“Lucy here’s a Thai salad as a thank you for letting my wife use your treatment space.”
He brought me lunch! And I am, as I write, at this exact moment, eating it.
Magic. Lunch appeared (here is me and my lunch in the photo).
In other magic … last week I realised I can NOT lead retreats in March. I realised kind of grudgingly that I cannot write and also do a good job leading retreats. I am, after all, just one person. I must remind myself I am not three people. Or four. Or five. Just me. The moment I acknowledged clearly I couldn’t do the retreats AND write an email came through from a family wanting to book my rental house for the whole month of march and I said yes. It is perfect.
In practical wisdom - the kind I thank the great good creator for (as well as lunch today and every way in which the world shows us our path) - I said to my life coach yesterday I was committing myself to writing and I prattled away about how busy I was last week and overwhelmed and how I was getting sick etc and she said in no uncertain terms a lot of smart things that helped me see how yet again I was up to my old tricks … determined… a little rigid… a little terrified of not doing the busy things that make me my monthly $$$ … and very much 92.5% of the time OFF my own path… not tending to what I am longing to do… not tending to this book writing publishing opportunity that I have the extraordinary opportunity to be on ….
Here’s what I’m going to do.
I’m going to acknowledge my feelings of fear instead of pushing them away.
I’m going to be kind to myself and say yes to my own longing to write, publish and learn devotion (I have to learn this it does not come naturally) to this beautiful heart and soul infused writing opportunity I have.
I am on my way to publishing a book.
It requires a kind of dedication I’m not familiar with.
I see abundance in spite of my fears. I see abundance in the food that arrived at my door at exactly 12pm that I had no idea was coming. I see abundance in a good reservation that takes care of my rental house for March. I see abundance in the fruit trees and the baby chicks who were all born safely this week.
With love from my path to you on yours and wishing us all well being brave and courageous - which means acting even when you’re afraid to do so.
Lucy
p.s. thanks for reading