Can Signs Be Trusted?
What happens when the synchronicity just turns out to mean ... nothing. Sometimes I’ve thought I’ve known things ...
Sometimes I’ve thought I’ve known things … I’m talking about that kind of knowing that feels fated… the kind where you see something and know its ‘meant to be’ (love at first sight for example).
Sometimes I’ve been let down by thinking that something was ‘meant to be’ only for it NOT to be…
Sometimes I’ve thought I’ve known things because there were ‘signs’ and magical, mystical connections … and then … the signs disappeared. Damn it! No one wants the magical mystical signs to disappear. At least… I don’t!
This is what I’m mulling on and knotting my brow over:
A little while ago I fell in love. When I first met my man he gave me two things that took my breath away. A shell and a seed. Both were almost exact replicas of things I had from my mothers life. Things that were precious to her. Keepsakes she’d had from her childhood in Venezuela. It felt like my mother was whispering in my ear that this man was important. I put a lot of faith in these signs. I wanted them to mean something very very big. Time went by and my man started to show his temper. I looked for more signs but I couldn’t find them. The signs had gone silent. But why, I keep asking myself, why (I refused to think the lack of signs might be a sign)? I wished I could take it up with the great mystery and sit down for a cup of tea and get some good answers. I felt let down. Surely this time the signs were pointing to deep, enduring love?
A while back my father mentioned to my sister he finally understood what type of person I am. I am, according to him, a bit like the British actress Helena Bonham Carter - independent, talented, colorful and quite different from others. When my sister told me this I smiled. I was glad my father had found a way to categorize me because I am an independent women with a strange bohemian streak that colours me different from the rest of my family.
As I navigate these days without the man I thought was so important I have taken the Helena Bonham Carter character idea to heart because it helps me be okay being unique in the jungle navigating my way in an unfashionable camo hat to protect from sun and slowly figuring out a nature school business amongst other things.
I am lucky to have the freedom to create.
In my anticipation of love everlasting I had abdicated responsibility for carving my own path and when love everlasting arrived and moved in to my home I realised I didn’t want my way to be derailed. Not in the way he wanted.
There have been times I have known good things …. received signs that seem to have wisdom … though I am sceptical of trusting with faith in the unknown or the mystery here are some things I have delighted in …. and some things I have big questions about:
My grandmother. Her name was Bobtail. Her and my grandfathers home was Sussex countryside heaven. It was called ‘Old House’. Rose gardens and black berry jam and a sun room full of tea pots and chocolate brownies and pots of blossoming plants. I sensed Bobtail often in the first years after she died. Until the night I told her it was too much. Then the visits stopped and I’ve missed the sense of her. What I get these days is the feel of Old House and the gardens in summer. I get the sense of warm parts of my child hood strongly and I take it to mean I’m doing something right. It happens in good moments. I bought the land I own in Southern Nicaragua largely because I had a strong sense of Old House and I decided if I could feel echoes of sussex here in the land of heat and jungle it must be a good thing. These days I wonder if my very big decision was a little grand. I own a 5 acre jungle property. Anyone whose had more than about 1/2 an acre will tell you its a lot of work. My place is magical. But I need help. I’m trying to figure out what help might look like
Why do the daffodils turn to face my sister some days and make her think of my mother?
I knew my daughters name before she was born (I heard her name over and over and I had never heard the name spoken before… Narayani). It was a beautiful thing although because her father insisted he could never spell, nor pronounce Narayani it became her middle names. AND > what does it mean to know a name before someone is born ?????? Do we have names imprinted on our souls? Is this proof of life before and after? I’d like to know. I never will while I live and breathe.
I have felt hundreds of buffalo hooves on the ground when there were none. One day walking in the forest in Canada the ground trembled and came alive with the sound and feel of a herd of buffalos. There were none. But I had the sense the ground welcomed the rhythm of their hooves and was telling me of the way in which herds of animals support the earth.
When I first graduated Osteopathy school, for about a year, when I treated an expectant mother I could tell if she was having a boy or a girl - always - I simply knew - it was as obvious if I was meeting you and looking at you. And then, for no apparent reason (except I secretly think so that I didn’t get a big ego) the gift went away. I no longer knew.
Once, on my way to visit a potential daycare for my daughter Nina, I saw a person on the street smoking and had a deep cold sense of foreboding. Arriving at the daycare I noticed it smelt of mold. The owner told me she’d been in hospital frequently and her daughter was in hospital at least once a month. I didn’t send my daughter there. I heard later the health department had shut down the day care and the owners had to leave because of the mold.
Why am I sometimes entirely UNABLE to connect to mystery and signs when I really really want to?
Why do we have to keep learning our lessons all life long? Why can’t it all be easy and everyone live purposefully and happily and be kind to each other? Isn’t that what being human is about?
With love, and questions
Lucy
p.s. I have a new Movement Medicine program starting in a couple of weeks - here’s the link if you’d like to join: https://members.lucypaget.com/newyear
p.p.s Would you like to organise a healing holiday in Nicaragua and stay at my guest house? Click here for my airbnb link
I love your camo hat!!